beatings for nothing. since the age of 14,
consensual fucking. still hate the molesters that
touched me, die motherfuckers. i cried all night.
stayed out of bully’s sight all day. now the self-
esteem is good, no more plans waylaid. called
ugly and fag by classmates that wanted to fuck
me in the ass. no father, but a damn good
mother. i wonder if i would have made it this
far being birthed by another. low self-esteem,
you could tell me anything. older men would tell
me sweet things to get my lips around their
ding-a-lings. the only time i felt good was when i
was singing, and then later when i started
writing. cried many nights when i realized what
i was. judged even more harshly by my own
blood. teachers thought i was dumb. slowly
and surely my heart grows numb, because i
knew they weren’t challenging my mind like
they should. cast as an outcast by my
graduating class. went on to college, worried
about getting gay-bashed. body growing so
fast, blessed/cursed with a round ass.
temptations grow stronger while legs grow
longer. blessed with so many gifts from GOD.
couldn’t get past the panic attacks and a heart
grown hard. i start to wonder why momma
didn’t have an abortion. if she did, she may
have had better choices. raped at 10, now i’m
stained and i’ll never fit in. spend the rest of my
life feeling dirty and soiled. couldn’t find any
repentance no matter how much holy oil.
pushed and pulled in all kinds of relations.
everyday i prayed for just a little more patience
and salvation. tried to take my life twice. kept
failing, i guess the LORD had other plans for my
life. kept on writing poems to shake my devils
down. thank GOD the day my mama said we
were leaving that town. all the scars i acquire,
make me rage like wildfire. finally able to stand
outside the devils pyre. kevin’s tears led to
a’omarés song. i will continue searching for
peace, no matter how long.
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